Why Cats the Movie was THAT Bad

Everyone was thinking the same thing as we filed out of the movie theater: Who on earth greenlighted this project? Why and how was Cats the movie even made??

Here’s the thing: Cats the Musical was bad to begin with, despite it being on Broadway for 18 years. The story doesn’t have a solid plot line or character development. Andrew Lloyd Weber, Cats’ composer, based the story on a collection of poems by T.S. Eliot. Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats is a book of light poetry about the psychology and sociology of felines, written for Eliot’s godchildren. Given that fact, the poetry was not meant to be taken as seriously as it was portrayed on stage. Not only did the musical score give it a sense of intensity that felt strange for a bunch of cats, but the sexual overtones were downright uncomfortable. The movie made this even worse.

The beauty of theater is the combination of song and dance right in front of you, human to human, no screens involved. Turning a play into a movie already takes away most of this magic. That being said, I was intrigued to see how movie technology could possibly enhance where the stage was limited. But I was disappointed the instant I saw that the Cat characters still looked very much human-like. What was the point of CGI cat ears and fur if the characters still had human faces, hands and feet? They couldn’t do some paws or cat noses at least? When they had large musical numbers, it didn’t look like cats dancing through the city streets. It looked like humans pretending to be cats, making it hard to appreciate without distraction.

And then there was the randomness of it all. The loose plotline that I could barely follow was that the Jellicle cats were joining together for one special night of song and dance where one cat would be chosen for a new life. The reason for this? Unknown. The new life? No details. The criteria for the winner? Unclear. But alas, the movie was made up of a modge-podge of cat auditions, which thankfully at least had some familiar faces.

Like Rebel Wilson, who for the love of god needs to be told that she can be capable of so much more other than making fun of herself. The comic relief in her usual quips and sarcasm felt very copy-and-paste. I didn’t mind it until Wilson was fully spread and licking her cat crotch on the big screen. That is just something I simply can’t unsee.

James Cordon was undoubtedly a hit as Bustopher Jones. He nailed the Garfield-like fat cat persona. Despite eating garbage throughout his scene, he reminded the audience that he’s not only a late night talk show host, but a very talented singer as well. One of the few triumphs of the film, Cordon should use this as a springboard to future ventures.

Jason Derulo has risen back to fame in the most unexpected way. As Rum Tum Tugger, he was the rock-and-roll cat with a…..foot fetish? Yeah, it was as weird as it sounds. But at least he brought 110% to the role. If anything, Cats the movie gave me a new appreciation for the actors. Even with the most bizarre circumstances and poor artistic direction, they can still put on an extraordinary performance.

Like Jennifer Hudson, for another example. As Grizabella, she had the responsibility of performing the most recognizable song from the musical: “Memory.” And she delivered, of course. J-Hud doesn’t disappoint. She played Grizabella the cat with as much emotion and passion as we can only hope for her upcoming role as Aretha Franklin.

Idris Elba was as delightful as he was ridiculous as the antagonist, Macavity. At least his character made sense: the bad cat on the street, wiping out his competition one by one. It was when he disappeared with a dramatic “meow” on more than one occasion, that his talent was clouded by ridiculousness.

Taylor Swift was hands-down one of the worst parts of Cats. She was simply not good enough and clearly chosen for her name, not her talent. Yes, she is considered to be one of the most famous singers in the world. But did she achieve that level of fame by wowing audiences with her incredible vocals? Or was she the blonde, blue-eyed “good-girl,” that fit perfectly with society’s beauty standards? Despite my biased opinions about Taylor Swift, she objectively could not dance or sing on a broadway level. She barely hit her notes, looked out of step with the rest of the dancers, and frankly, was a distraction. I understand the appeal of her name attached to this project raking in tickets at the box office, but at what cost?

Cats cost 95 million dollars to produce. Ninety-five! Million! Dollars! To force a bad play into a medium it wasn’t meant for. Sure, the CGI looked amazing. The set design was incredible. But it all goes back to my original point: the story was bad to begin with. I wish that money could have gone to adapting a better play for the big screen. I think that’s what frustrated me the most about Cats: the beauty of musical theater was tarnished. It had the potential to introduce musicals as mainstream, creating an appreciation for the art form. But when the story is convoluted and about sex-crazed, dancing, cat-nipping cats, you can see how it was a recipe for disaster.